Vampire Diaries - The Get Back
by SingularityForce
Summary: A now human Damon Salvatore must face old enemies from the past as he tries to live his life with Elena after the death of his Brother.


So let me tell you guys something, don't ask how I know all this, I just do. I'm just someone who happened to know all the players in this game and word of what really went down got back to me pretty quick. So you can believe me or not, but I'm telling you it's all true.

Anyway, you all remember the big event? Hell itself was coming to Mystic Falls. Katherine Pierce had come back and she was acting crazy as usual and had a stank attitude. Bottom line: Stefan Salvatore gave his life to stop it and redeem his brother in the process.

The aftermath was surreal. Damon Salvatore and Elena Gilbert were both Human, both alive and free. They got married and moved into the old Gilbert place. Life was looking pretty good.

Except, some old enemies, and some old grudges, well…they don't die that easy.

* * *

It was a Tuesday morning a few months after the big showdown. I'm not sure why the Hell everyone had to tell me it was a Tuesday, but that's the way it was told to me, so I'm putting it in here.

Damon Salvatore woke up in bed, alone, because it was a few hours after Elena had gotten up and went to school. She had managed to get back into med school, plus she had to work in order to pay bills, because Damon was a jobless bum who had no viable work skills and the Salvatore coffers weren't as bottomless as they had seemed on the show…I mean, in the _past_.

So he woke up and smiled, thinking that he was so happy. The happiest he had ever been. He was with the woman of his dreams and they could both live carefree lives. He didn't have to worry about the hunger and bloodlust taking control of him. No more supernatural adventures.

Although he did feel a little hungry, so he got up and got dressed…without showering because he was nasty like that…then he noticed yesterday's pair of Elena's underwear half sticking out of the hamper.

Well he quickly snatched them up and pressed them to his nose, taking in a herculean breath of air…air contaminated with the musky stench of Elena's _dirty draws!_

Now you can say that he loves her and blah blah blah but to me it was just nasty.

Then he went downstairs to get something to eat. And by get something to eat I mean he went down to eat the food that Elena had prepared for him early in the morning when it was still dark out and no one else in their right mind would have been up at that hour because Damon was a lazy bum!

When he got down there he saw pancakes, bacon, toast, jam and orange juice all waiting for him. But he didn't really want that so he went and got some Cap'n Crunch instead and ate that, thus wasting all the hard work that Elena did that morning but I don't feel bad for her because if she would have chosen the good brother _he_ would have been making food for _her_ but I suppose that ship has sailed a looooong time ago, y'all…

Just then Damon was wondering what he was going to do with his morning. I mean, this dude had like _nothing_ to do. NOTHING. He couldn't even play PlayStation because he had to wait for Elena's next check before he could get a PlayStation and then the check after that before he could get the PlayStation VR system so he could play the really cool games. It wouldn't even be worth it before that.

But the point is he wasn't really doing _shit_ when he heard the doorbell ring.

Since he was still eating his Cap'n Crunch he yelled out "Elena, get the door!" But then he realized that she wasn't there to answer his every beck and call and he was annoyed, but he supposed he could get over that.

He went to the door, and when he opened it up he saw a face that actually didn't mean that much to him. It was a dude he knew but they weren't like cool or anything and sure as hell weren't friends. He was always just kind of there and Damon remembered that the guy just wasn't any damn fun.

"Matt Donovan." He said flatly. He was considering just closing the door but Elena always wanted him to be nice.

Matt was the Sheriff these days and was always hassling everyone, harshing their buzz and generally sucking all the joy out of life.

Damon was about to tell him Elena wasn't there and close the door when Matt straight up punched Damon full in the face!

The blow rocked Damon and everything whirled as he seemed to register the blow in slow motion, then see everything spinning as his body crumpled on it's way down to the floor.

Satisfied at his first blow, Matt stepped in and closed the door behind him.

"YeeeaaAAAHHHH muthafuckaaaaAAAHHHH!" Matt said, standing over him triumphantly. Or actually that's more like what _I_ would have said. Matt didn't actually say that but he did say:

"This has been a long time coming, Damon! Remember all those times you kicked my ass? Hurt my friends?" He kicked Damon in the chest while he was on the ground. Damon groaned from the blow.

"Get up!" Matt yelled.

But instead of getting up Damon decided to crawl away at about the speed of molasses in January. He was crawling toward the phone to call 911 like a _BITCH!_

Matt just laughed. "Hey Damon, who's gonna help you? Who are you calling?! You don't have any friends, and I'm the Police!"

Just then the front door opened and Jeremy Gilbert walked in. He closed the door and then turned and saw the two of them. He froze at first. Then he looked from Matt to Damon and back again.

Damon reached out a pathetic, weak hand toward Jeremy and said "Jeremy, please help me!" In a disgraceful display of cowardice and with a mewling voice that shamed not only everyone there at the time, but everyone who would ever read or otherwise hear about this shit on into the future and yes that includes YOU.

"Matt, what the Hell is this?!" Jeremy screamed. "What are you doing?"

Matt held up his hands to forestall Jeremy. "Now Jer, just wait a minute, this isn't what it looks like…!"

But Jeremy wasn't having any of that obvious bulllllshit he moved right past Matt and got in between him and Damon. Then he said "No fuck that I see exactly what this is!"

The two looked like they were about to come to blows when Damon crawled over and wrapped his arms around Jeremy's calf and held onto him in yet another shameful display.

Jeremy looked down and saw Damon, then with a quick flick of of his legs he jerked it away from Damon and then kicked the former vampire dead in the face! That shit was like PLA-DOWWW! right in his fuckin' face and then he almost flipped over backwards from the force of the blow because Jeremy was actually pretty damn strong.

Then Jeremy rounded on Matt and got in his face.

"You were gonna do this without me?! We had a deal! I can't believe I got over here and you started in on him without me!"

But Matt stood his ground. "So what?! We were supposed to do this an hour from now, but you showed up early, too! You were gonna do the same thing!"

Then the two stared angrily at each other, but in an instant the glares became smiles and they started laughing and clapping each other on the back.

It was only then that they looked over and saw that Damon was straight up _gone!_

So yeah, he was gone, except this wasn't the Salvatore mansion where there were a lot of places to hide this was the Gilbert house which was pretty nice but wasn't really a place you would want to be trapped inside of with enemies.

Damon discovered this because his weak ass had only managed to crawl barely into the next room before they spotted him by just turning their heads a little bit. I mean he could have stood up and ran but I guess the other thing made sense to him so whatever. Anyway they only took like 5 steps and caught up with him easily.

Jeremy put his foot on Damon's back to stop him from moving.

"Damon," he said, "we're going to revisit every episode, I mean _instance_ , from the past where you jacked one of us up and we're gonna do the same to you!"

"Except I'm not biting him!" Matt said.

Then this is where they got cocky because they turned to laugh with one another but they reckoned without the fact that Damon was such a lazy bastard that he didn't feel like he needed to clean and so he just kept a nasty house.

There was all kinds of dust on the floor so he scooped up a handful and threw it in Jeremy's face!

Jeremy started coughing and wheezing, then Damon finally decided to get up and run out the backdoor screaming and crying like a bitch and embarrassing himself in front of the neighbors and shit.

Damon was wild-eyed and crazy by this point. I mean he knew damn well all the shit he pulled over the years and he didn't really want to answer for any of it so he ran like he had never run before arms windmilling and legs kicking out all over the place while he was screaming sounding like Jerry Lewis if you ever saw one of those movies.

Matt and Jeremy were right behind him. They would have caught him too but Jeremy stopped to lock the back door and then they talked for a minute or two because it looked like rain but Matt thought it wouldn't rain until much later. Then they took off at a fast jog and quickly caught up.

Damon had run through a couple of back yards and finally emerged onto the next street over. He saw a young boy riding his tricycle. Seeing a method of escape he quickly ran over and threw the boy from his tricycle.

"Gimme that trike, kid!" He yelled. Feeling no remorse at knocking a 5 year old kid on his ass.

Unfortunately for Damon, young Billy was no punk! He jumped up and ran straight at Damon, punching him in the shin with all his might. Damon howled like a beast at the explosion of agony in his leg.

He snarled and struck out in rage at Billy, but again Billy was no punk. He quickly faded to the right to dodge the wild swing, then he made a big show of winding up with his right arm which Damon fell for because he was stupid as fuck but then Billy straight up punched him in the nuts with his left fist!

Damon gurgled in pain and fell over on his side. Then Matt and Jeremy jogged up and told Billy to go on home.

But Billy rolled up his sleeves and started forward towards Damon. He told them "Nah, I got this!" And prepared to continue the ruthless pummeling he had begun moments earlier, and Damon's eyes were wide with fear as Billy approached, but then Billy's mom called out the door and told him to come in because it was time for lunch so he took his tricycle and went home.

* * *

At this point Matt and Jeremy decided they should move the party somewhere else because it had become public so Matt threw the cuffs on him and they put him in the backseat of Matt's police cruiser and straight drove to those woods that are always nearby somewhere around there.

On the way Damon was screaming and crying and shit like a bitch so they turned up the radio, willing to endure the latest Taylor Swift song rather than listen to Damon but they told him that the Taylor Swift song was added to his list of sins that he would have to pay for.

Then they got there wherever that was and they dragged him out of the back seat and he had been crying and spraying snot and mucous all over his face and blubbering and hyperventilating and shit like a punk _bitch!_ I was DISGUSTED! I mean _they_ were disgusted.

So now Damon was on his knees in the forest in front of Matt's cruiser with the lights on him, and at the mercy of two dudes who had taken his shit for a lot of years and now had the ability to get that sweet payback, that _get back_ , that they had been desiring for so long.

Matt said "Remember when you killed my sister?!" and his face was grim.

Then Jeremy said "Remember when you killed _me?!_ " and his face was looking dark like murder.

Then Matt said "Remember when you killed Tyler? Remember when you raped Caroline?!" and the shit just kept going on and on and finally Damon knew he had damn well better say something or else this was _it!_

"Y-you guys…just listen, please?" And his voice sounded weak and scary like somebody who knows they are about get that ASS WHOOPED.

"I know I caused a lot of harm, and did things that are indefensible…b-but I was a vampire then and I didn't always have control I would never do those things now…"

But they broke in on him "Stefan didn't do that shit! Stefan was actually cool, man!"

Then they went on to list all the cool shit that Stefan had done despite being a vampire. After listening Damon felt his only hope was to appeal to their now-shared humanity.

The appeal was denied.

Alas, the ensuing monkey-ass whooping continued well into the night 'cause they were healthy young men who were doing something they loved and had been looking forward to for a long time.

After awhile, it became difficult to find a spot on Damon's body that hadn't been knotted up or covered in welts or anything.

Matt yawned. "Damn, Jer…you know I gotta be up early tomorrow."

Jeremy nodded. "Yeah I hear you me too, man."

"Oh yeah?" Matt asked. "So what are you up to these days?"

"Oh me, well I'm—" But he was cut off by a high pitched wail that came from the darkness.

A whole bunch of screaming and crying and shit that really just got on their damn nerves so of course you know it had to be Elena Gilbert.

Now Matt and Jeremy had no idea how this bitch had found them all the way out in the woods and shit but everyone always seemed to find everyone somehow so there she was.

"NooOOOOOOOOO!" She howled, annoyingly as usual. She ran over and knelt down by the bloodied and pulped body.

"How could you do this?! How could you?! I love him!"

"YES, WE KNOW!" Matt and Jeremy said in unison, disgusted. Then they turned quickly to each other. "JINX!" They shouted. Then they burst out laughing and high-fiving each other.

"What is _wrong_ with you?!" Elena shouted. "I thought you were my friends!"

And just to set the scene, Elena was wearing some kind of bullshit hospital scrubs that were ridiculous because everyone knew this girl was just not smart enough to be a doctor because we could clearly see she should have stayed with the cool brother but instead she decided to get with the serial killer brother who killed her brother and raped her friend and pretty much didn't deserve anything good happening to him. It made no sense!

And also she looked raggedy and not really cute at all so just throwing that out there.

Anyway Matt and Jeremy were pretty much done anyway and had long since ceased to give a fucckkkkk about what Elena thought about _anything_ so they were just going to call it a night and take off but then a voice came out of the darkness…

"Shut the fuck up, BITCH!"

And a whirling form jumped into the circle of light provided by Matt's cruiser and punched stupid Elena in her stupid-ass stupid face and it was Bonnie! She somehow found them because she was a witch and she could have done any number of things to find them for real so it's not contrived at all that she showed up.

But yeah Elena went down like a sack of potatoes because that bitch could never fight worth a damn anyway.

Matt and Jeremy threw their arms up into the air and screamed out "BONNNNNIEEEEE!"

She matched their scream of delight and they all ran and hugged each other.

"I thought you weren't gonna make it!" Jeremy asked.

She smiled her beautiful smile. "You know I would never miss this, guys!"

Matt grabbed his keys. "Hey let's go get pizza and catch up!"

They all agreed and started walking in slow motion around to the side of the car to get in.

As they did something burst into flames behind them and I have no idea what it was but the point is they looked cool as fuck as they walked silhouetted by the flames and shit and it's also possible that those flames incinerated Damon and Elena because now that I think about it no one ever heard from those mofos again almost as if they were no longer attached to the property or something I mean no longer important to the story I mean shit I don't know…

I'm just telling you guys what I heard and I'll tell you what…

…it sounded true to me.


End file.
